Elaboration

Swimming in the river has been a daily respite for me.

A few days ago I posted a photo on social media with the caption “Life is an evolution, not a race. You’re exactly where you need to be here and now”. Recently it felt right to repost it with an updated message. Not that I don’t firmly believe that life is not a race, and that we’re all exactly where we need to be, but there are a lot of vague inspirational one-liners and quotes in the online spiritual new age world that can feel unrelatable. The elaboration is that you can know that you’re where you need to be and that everything is unfolding the way it needs to while also experiencing loss and overwhelm. 
Life has felt relentless for me these past six weeks- between a breakup, the death of a family member, chronic pain management, needing to move across the country 6 weeks earlier than expected, finding housing, and a few others. 
Not fighting your life experience creates more peace, but being on the right path doesn’t mean that there are never any more difficult days. There is a limbo period when you’ve decided to bravely up and leave a life that is no longer for you but you’re not yet in your new one that can be really f**king lonely (Martha Beck refers to the experience as the empty elevator syndrome, for anyone who’s interested and wants further information). 
All of the feelings can (and probably will) surface- depression, fear, doubt, extreme resistance. It might be excruciating for a while, but it is so much easier and worthwhile in the long run to follow what feels right rather than to force yourself into a life that no longer fits.

When Rest Makes You Feel Unsafe

Feeling exhausted used to make me feel unsafe. Though it took me a while to realize this, I didn’t exactly have to look far to see where it came from. Most of us are born into hustle culture, where worth is based on work and rest means that we’re going to fall behind in the rat race. When I was briefly in animation school one teacher told us, like a kind uncle briefing us on the rules of the universe, that if we were unwilling to stay up until 2am to meet a deadline, there would be twenty other people in line behind us waiting to take the job. It was not uncommon to see kids wearing wrist braces because they would not stop working, and one person experienced heart failure and had to be rushed to the hospital during my six months there (they think it was due to lack of sleep). 
Is it really that surprising then that my body had internalized rest as weakness? The problem for me with that equation is that when you have Lyme disease and chronic fatigue you’re often bedridden, which is not exactly conducive to productivity. Hence the fight or flight reaction, which puts added strain on your already weakened nervous system, and ironically prevents you from being able to fully relax and renew. 
So what’s the remedy? Showing your system that it’s safe, one step at a time. Somatic experiencing has helped me (focusing on what’s right in front of you and orienting to your environment), as well as being real honest with myself about what really needs doing today. Not “this is what I need to do to feel validated”, but the bare bones. Do those things as best you can, and then rest. It became glaringly obvious where my self worth was tied to my output on the days that all I could manage was literally eating food, going on a 20 minute walk, and laundry. So exposing myself to people who were consciously embodying a different worldview became essential as well. 
When there’s less to do we might realize that we’ve also been filling up our lives not only out of social obligation, but in order to avoid the feelings buried underneath the speed. When the external noise is reduced, the inner world becomes louder, which can add to the feeling of unsafety if there’s a lot that’s unprocessed there. Rarely do we run from things that feel wonderful. There’s no rush, let it unfold naturally. Pushing yourself out of old patterns too fast can also have negative effects. We are not robots, and rest is not something that needs to be earned, it’s a need for human beings to function optimally.