A couple of weeks ago I received “The Repairman”, which feels fitting for my life right now.
Long term disordered eating has very real consequences. It can take a long time to unravel.
The first time I began to restrict food, I remember a vague yet distinct feeling of having been robbed. The “thinspiration” blogs, romantic comedies and teen magazines that I’d been exposed to had never mentioned the dullness, the cold, the constant anxiety, how pointless and not-fun everything would feel. How thin my hair would be.
The second time I began starving myself, it eventually led to PTSD and extreme binge eating, which has caused leaky gut, trouble absorbing essential nutrients, chronic fatigue, anemia, and hormone imbalances characterized by sudden spells of suicidal depression. The more painful life is, the more out of control everything feels, the weaker the bodymind feels, the harder it becomes to step out of the cycle of self-destruction. And so the snowball of repercussions grows larger and larger. There were days when it felt better to overeat simply so that I could be comforted by knowing what was making me feel terrible, rather than rest in the amorphous pain and feelings of weakness. It is not easy to become reacquainted with a body that feels so wrecked.
And yet I believe that, with enough commitment and the right conditions, the extent to which we can heal is limitless. I am methodically re-feeding my body and mind, venturing into my mental attic to locate the false beliefs that are rotting the foundation. Doggedly chipping away at the ones that have calcified, weakening them, building a new internal environment. One of nourishment, safety and rest. Returning to the simple pleasure of reading a well-written mystery novel in bed with a purring grey cat beside me, of forest thunderstorms and watching Normal People and fresh picked blueberries. Of remembering that we live in a universe that loves us, and that there is no body weight or accomplishment that will ever make us more or less worthy of that love.
The Repairman is from The Deck of Character.
Romeo.